Negotiating Technology with
your Child
Adapted from
GuardingKids.com: A Practical Guide to Keeping Kids Out of High-Tech
Trouble
by Russell A. Sabella, Ph.D.
http://www.guardingkids.com/
Some things
are simply not negotiable, such as letting a child cross a busy street by
herself at the age of, let’s say, 5. And, even though she may already be a good
driver as evidenced by her high scores on the
Crazy Taxi™ video game, you would probably just have to say “No” to
letting your 9 year old take the family van out for a spin. What about getting
a FaceBook or Instagram account? How about watching a movie rated “R” or chatting
online? Should she really own her own cell phone at this age? These questions are not as
clear cut as the risk may not be as apparent. Yet, your child may have some logical
and compelling arguments for doing these things which may be tough to debate. So
when and how much do you give in?
Before we go further with some possible answers to these questions, we should remind ourselves of a few things:
- Technology (including social networking) has become highly integrated into our society and world. These are 21st century tools that all kids should know how to use as part of their ongoing career, personal, social, and academic development.
- Technology is not inherently evil. What a person does with these powerful tools is what gives them their value.
- Most kids use technology responsibly. Don't let anyone convince you that anyone under the age of 19 who is looking down at their mobile phone is probably up to no good. Like just about anything else, when it comes to cyberbullying or online harassment, a relatively small number of children are doing the majority of the damage. At the same time, technology can "fuel a fire" much more quickly and intensely than is possible without technology.
- Technology is everywhere and we as parents can't be (or should be). That is, as parents, we should monitor, supervise, and set up family policies although the bottom line is that we have to teach kids to watch out for themselves and follow rules even when nobody else is looking. Similarly, if we "helicopter" over our kids and not let them make some mistakes, they will not learn the important skills and attitudes needed for coping and recovery. They won't learn.
- Kids mature at different rates and have different decision making abilities. As a caretaker, you will need to judge best what your child can handle.
Here are some factors to consider and tips
for negotiating technology with your child:
First,
don’t give in just because it’s easier on you. Kids can wear you down although
it’s important to stay in the game and continue focusing on what is right. If
you are tired, delay your decision until later, catch your breath, and think it
over. Make sure your spouse or partner is “on board.” If your child continues
to engage, explain that asking more than twice is harassment and harassment is
against the rules resulting in a default “No” and possible other consequences.
If your child is not willing to wait for a decision, then again, the immediate
answer is “No.” If he is willing to wait for you to “take the decision under
advisement,” then negotiations may continue.
Second,
realize that technology can be very powerful and extend our capabilities in
incredible (and fun) ways. Let’s remember, however, that “
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” It is true that your
child can stay in constant touch with his friends and get the latest gossip
before it hits the streets. It is also true that he can correspond with almost
anyone in the world at any time -- although should he? One of the ways to
determine this is evaluating the
purpose
that the technology serves. What is your child trying to achieve by using the
technology? For instance, what is the purpose of having a Facebook or
other similar social networking account? Ask questions such as, “
What do you get out of being on
Facebook?” If the purpose is legitimate (having fun, for both kids and adults,
is legitimate), then, ask yourself, “
Is this the safest and most secure way to
achieve this purpose?” If yes, then okay. If not, then the adult must help the
child figure out how he or she can achieve their purpose in a better way. How
about calling those would-be Facebook “friends” on the phone? What about a more
private e-mail or text message directly to the friend? Could the same goal be achieved by
meeting at the park to hang out? Can the child increase his or her circle of friends
in the existing community by joining a club or team?
Perhaps
your child’s rationale for having a social network account is to avoid being
left out (i.e., “Everyone I know has one.” Now known as
FOMO disease). Although not having something that
others have can be uncomfortable or unpleasant, it is not fatal.
In fact, in some cases, not having a social network account
actually gives your child something that other children do not have – more
time and focus for other important things such as studies, outdoor activities, and family time.
You get the idea ... Let's ask ourselves, "
What purpose does a cell phone serve for a 3rd grader?" Usually, cell phone ownership can be justified
by the peace of mind extended to parents who can communicate with their
children almost instantaneously (that is, if the child decides to respond). I agree, this is a wonderful advantage (although realize that instant communication does not guarantee that you will have access to your child or that you can help in a given emergency). But
what about the potential pitfalls of owning a cell phone such as access to inappropriate content and potential distraction from school to name a few?
This is the part of negotiation that begs for a compromise, a situation where
everyone gets some of what they want although has to give up a little as well.
This can lead to a win-win outcome. In the case of cell phone ownership,
remember, if the goal is to give the child the capability of anytime and anywhere
communication with her parent/guardian and members of the emergency response
community, then this can be achieved by a limited use phone, such as one that has unlimited texting and calling but no data plan.
In Summary
In the course
of negotiations, remember to be objective. Again, be careful not to allow sensational
stories, especially propagated by the media, to skew your judgment. Do your homework. Investigate
any technology by searching online and asking other parents. There are always both
potential benefits and risks to using any technology. Remember that the value
of technology is determined by its use, not the technology itself. A hammer can
be used to build a house or commit a murder, depending on the user’s intentions.
Assess the benefits versus the risks and whenever you deem it safe enough, do
allow your child his or her request. Negotiating is never about control or the
upper hand. Always keep in mind outcomes that are in the best interest of your
child, and also how the negotiations can enhance your relationship.
I would
also add that allowing your child to deal with some reasonable risk can be a
valuable learning experience and allows her to demonstrate to you that she is
responsible. Realize too that rarely is anything in technology a “black or
white” situation. Instead, technologies can usually be customized which allows
your child to use them with certain conditions. For instance, allowing the
child to have a Facebook account only if she shares with you the password or
perhaps, at a minimum, “friends” you to allow access to her profile so that you can help in monitoring her online reputation.
Third,
as much as possible, focus more on what your child can do instead of what he is not allowed to do. For instance, you may not
allow your child to have their own cell phone yet although you may allow him to
borrow yours now and then for special occasions. You may not allow your
daughter to set up a Facebook account although you may allow her to set up her
own blog which you can help monitor. Chatting with strangers is a definite no-no
although your kid may chat with school and community buddies using a secure
application (e.g., Google chat).
Join noted speaker and
best-selling author Marcia Conner as she provides detailed how-to information
about social media and the online world.
